How to Protect Your Peace from People’s Emotional Drama

People in pain, and emotional immaturity, are everywhere.

Now when people become more spiritually oriented, they often become internally split and confused when it comes to dealing with the emotional immaturity of others.

Take, for example, the image of the calm, smiling Buddha.

The swami who cannot be triggered.

Many who try to mimic this image of purity too soon end up suppressing their emotions and dividing themselves.

They smile when they are angry.

They say yes when they mean no.

They create too much time and space for other people’s emotional stuff without drawing a line—

and end up being hurt and consumed.

There are also other popular concepts and archetypes of what spiritual power looks like.

These are the stories of Jesus’ sacred rage, chasing away merchants at the temple grounds.

Pop psychology teachings on strong boundaries.

New age ideas of cutting everything and everyone out that threatens our comfort and when it doesn’t “match” our incredible frequency.

When these ideas are taken to an extreme, we see people become like mini fortresses,

walled up with endless boundaries,

who you end up tip-toeing around so as not to trigger them.

Constantly consuming content on psychology, spirituality, and relationships,

ending up walking around in a world in which they see nothing but red flags and shadows.

Justifying their projected anger, emotional outbursts, and projections as sacred rage,

their mirror,

or even worse… their feminine storm.

So beyond these extremes, what does emotional maturity look like?

How to respond to a person, a partner, a colleague, or someone random,

when they project their s**t onto you,

blame you,

speak to you (passive) aggressively,

gaslight / guilt-trip / shame / manipulate you?

I am not here to answer that question too literally,

as I believe the answers are found in everyone’s unique spontaneous wisdom,

and not in concepts.

There are many vastly different-looking responses to all kinds of situations that all come from wholeness.

Both the sacred rage and the calm Buddha.

As this is a question I have sat with so often myself,

I will put here a few statements and reflections to contemplate,

that I believe can help cultivate the ability for spontaneous wisdom.

1. Allowing someone to harm you is allowing someone to harm themselves.

Boundaries are not only there for self-protection;

they protect the other too from spiraling deeper into their own negative karma.

No matter how subtle or gross their behavior—

as soon as someone’s behavior is harmful, whether consciously or unconsciously,

in that moment it has become our duty not to allow them to do that unto us.

Both for ourselves, as well as for the other.

2. Ask yourself: What is your idea of enlightenment?

What are you here to cultivate:

an enlightenment that is solitary, transcendent, and untouchable,

where no insult, emotional aggression, or blame can touch you?

Or an enlightenment that is human and community-based,

one that honors vulnerability, connection,

and an environment that supports love and growth?

If you choose the first,

any insult, blame, and manipulation becomes your practice ground.

If you choose the latter,

then part of your practice and life path is about creating and protecting your environment

from emotional immaturity with clear boundaries.

It could be a combination of the two.

3. Yoga Sutra II.35: When one is firmly established in non-violence (ahimsa), hostility ceases in their presence.

If you find yourself often in arguments with others—

and even if you don’t—this sutra is a powerful one to contemplate.

We all know someone in our lives who is almost impossible to get angry with.

It is something in their energy.

Their presence softens us and brings us back into our heart.

Often, it is because this person has no bitterness, victimhood, or hostility inside of them.

True loving-kindness, that is cultivated and not a façade of empty words and smiles,

is the most powerful protection we could ever have from emotional immaturity.

4. Are we in a state of consciousness that allows us to see reality clearly?

Before deciding someone is to blame, wrong, or emotionally immature,

we have to have a very, very close examination of ourselves.

What is our part?

Are our body and breath relaxed, is our mind lucid and loving—

or is there resentment,

are we justifying ourselves,

are we agitated, lost in thought,

and are we divided against the other?

When we are triggered and judgmental,

it usually (always) says more about us than about the world around us.

It is like being intoxicated.

We cannot see clearly.

We first have to become sober again.

As Lao Tzu says:

“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving

till the right action arises by itself?”

5. You don’t need to prove you’re right, and you do not need to participate in anyone’s games.

If someone is intent on making you wrong, let them.

If someone wants to think they are powerful, morally superior, let them.

If someone wants to talk bad about you behind your back, let them.

There is nothing you can do about it.

Don’t lower yourself to do the same.

If there is no room for healthy and emotionally safe relating,

removing yourself is sometimes the only way to stay outside of someone’s emotional immaturity and projections.

You are free to not engage.

If you didn’t act out of carelessness or lack of integrity,

you don’t owe anyone anything.

In summary:

To respond to the emotional immaturity of others,

we will need high levels of emotional maturity ourselves.

The more we grow in wisdom over time,

the more spontaneous and skillful our responses will become,

unpolluted by concepts and external ideas.

So far, some contemplations.