What's my story?

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I often get asked this question. I don’t often talk about it, but I am happy to share it. 

 

The work I now offer grew out of a difficult childhood marked by the early loss of my mother and other experiences that were traumatic. Over time, this pain became a powerful catalyst for growth, fueling my drive to seek and go deep.

 

I suffered and searched for a way out of that suffering, often in destructive places, before finding the path that I'm now on.

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Already in my early teens I got hooked on weed, and as a student, I entered my wildest years, discovering the techno and rave scene in Amsterdam. I became addicted to the nightlife, to the hypnotic techno beats, to the shared high at the dance floor, and raved throughout entire weekends without sleeping, fueled by cocktails of drugs and alcohol.

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Where the techno-scene at first seemed like the solution, a hedonistic secret society where I could temporarily be free of my troubles, my mental health was increasingly deteriorating.

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I lived from weekend to weekend, but in between I was getting more and more anxious and depressed, and suicidal thoughts looped through my mind like a mantra.

 

Deep down I felt that there had to be more to life, and that there were answers somewhere that I hadn't yet found.

 

The turning point came in 2015 when I stumbled upon a YouTube video on meditation.​

 

As I watched the video and learned about Buddhist monks using techniques to go inside their minds to resolve suffering, something clicked. It felt like I found the answer I had been looking for all this time.

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A few months later, I booked a one-way flight to Thailand, and after traveling around for some months, I found myself eventually meditating in a traditional Thai monastery under the guidance of a local monk, following the strict schedule and discipline of monastic Buddhist life.

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The first days of the retreat, nothing happened, and I struggled and struggled. 

 

But then, when I was close to giving up and dropped my expectations, something happened.

 

Sitting in front of the big Buddha statue in the meditation hall, I suddenly felt my energy settle, my senses heighten, and a calm dawn upon me. It was a mundane moment and at the same time, one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life.

 

I was just at peace, for no reason. Totally in the here and now in all its simplicity. It was a totally new experience to me, so profound, yet also so natural. 

 

Driving away from the monastery a few days later, I saw the world with new eyes. Everything was vivid and alive. The state slowly faded over the following days and weeks.

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I flew back to Amsterdam, and had a relapse into my old life, partying harder than ever before, after which I left again with a one-way flight to the East. This time, with no plan to return.

 

Ever since, I have traveled and lived around the world, to continue exploring what I had tasted, and to follow my desire to go deeper into meditation and awakening

 

It led me to study with teachers, gurus, monks, and schools across many traditions, from Yoga, Vedanta and Buddhism to shamanic practices and modern methods of spirituality and personal development.

 

I explored widely, yet always leaned on meditation and later also yoga as my foundation. Silent practice, scriptures, retreats, mentors, and daily discipline and practice as my guiding thread.

 

Later, community, transformative romantic relationships, tantric practice, and eventually sharing this work became new catalysts for growth, helping me to integrate my awakening more fully into daily life as a human with two feet on the ground and in relationship to others.

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Teachers & Mentors

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I had the blessing to be able to travel the world and spend a significant amount of my time in retreat and training with a wide variety of teachers and mentors. Sometimes in community, sometimes through a screen, sometimes even personally and developing friendship.

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These are some of the people who have had the most significant impact on my work and journey:​

 

• Mooji – my first introduction to non-duality that led to a huge moment of awakening early in my path.

• Adyashanti – although I never met him personally, he has functioned like a close mentor and a daily part of my life for many years through his books and lectures and online sessions.

• Swami Atmananda Udasin (Ajatananda Ashram, Rishikesh) – where I returned yearly for some time to study Advaita Vedanta.

• Michaël Bijker – from whom I learned pranayama and yoga and who became a good friend.

• Surinder Singh – with whom I trained in Hatha Yoga at Swasti Yoga School in Rishikesh.

• Lama Lena – who gave me greater insight into meditation in daily life, through her transmissions in Tibetan Buddhism, specifically Dzogchen.

• Christopher ‘Hareesh’ Wallis – who I studied Classical Tantra with through his online courses and books.

• Ganga Mira (disciple of Papaji–Ramana Maharshi) – with whom I spent time in silence, satsang and community in Portugal.

• Chris Bale, who has been substantially influential in my path as an inspiration and mentor in the realms of energy, intimacy and embodiment.

• Ty Landrum – who transformed my yoga practice deeply and created the system of Black Lotus Yoga that I practice daily and teach.

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I am also grateful for my time with the Vipassana school of S.N. Goenka, to practice Vipassana meditation, which was a powerful journey but a phase that clearly ended for me in 2022, a story I might share some day.

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For my on-going time with Awaken as Love, where I am faculty and have been trained as facilitator of the mystery school trainings, and where I have participated and taught in months of trainings, retreats, and tantra festivals.

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For Mother India and her teachings. A place and culture I deeply love, with traditions that shaped me, which has been an important part of my growth, and to which I return often when possible.​

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For past and present romance, where I learned to love more deeply, be loved more deeply, work through shadows, and experience sacred union through love and intimacy.